Bedtime Story Conservatory 99 01/09/2020
Good afternoon to all of you,
Pinch, punch, first day of the month (no returns).
It has been over a month since I last contacted you. In that period, I left Finland by air and landed in London, before taking a train up to my home town, where I am now, sitting on the sofa in my new flat. I have spent the last month settling in, acclimatising. It has been lovely, strange and fast. I miss you.
I think about this mailing list most days, and how I might finish it, or how it might continue or transform. I haven't come to decision yet on where this project may lead. It's ok to not know, and to never know, and to not have known. But I wanted to send this email today.
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Over half a year ago, when I was feeling quick and daydreaming. I was making eggs and tea and was about to put milk into the tea, and instead without thinking about it cracked an egg into the mug instead of the frying pan.
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These past couple of weeks, I have felt a bit untethered from things, like the synapses in my brain are only speaking to themselves and not to each-other. I punish myself for this, thinking I should feel whole and complete, but maybe I could accept that all those disparate thoughts, those fast pinwheels, together automatically form a conscious, and I can find comfort in that I am real.
I feel like this, Water Walk 1959 by John Cage, expresses this. It's funny and calming.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXOIkT1-QWY&list=LLgJQfhEsWJb7SH-2_Nqi14A&index=3&t=0s
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I live opposite a Post Office, which backs onto a warehouse. Nearby is the oldest church in England, which sounds its bell at all hours of the night
Throughout the night and the chimes of the bell, the posties sort through the thousands of letters funnelled across the country in Post Office vans, little red blood cells coursing through the arteries of the road map, forming a small sub-colony on the doorstep.
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These Days 1967 by Nico
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There is no recording with this email, apologies, I don't have the equipment for it.
As I said before, I am unsure if this is the end, or what the end is, maybe it's already happened, or maybe it doesn't even bear thinking about.
This email is a nod towards you, to myself, and to the archive that has been built over these last few months. I have archived all previous Bedtime Story Conservatory's on my website, which i've hyperlinked below.
Thank you, so much, for your being on this mailing list. I can only hope that at times, these brief letters to you have had some sort of positive effect, no matter how small. You are still here, and so am I.
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I will leave you with this poem, This Morning by Raymond Carver:
This morning was something. A little snow
lay on the ground. The sun floated in a clear
blue sky. The sea was blue, and blue-green,
as far as the eye could see.
Scarcely a ripple. Calm. I dressed and went
for a walk — determined not to return
until I took in what Nature had to offer.
I passed close to some old, bent-over trees.
Crossed a field strewn with rocks
where snow had drifted. Kept going
until I reached the bluff.
Where I gazed at the sea, and the sky, and
the gulls wheeling over the white beach
far below. All lovely. All bathed in a pure
cold light. But, as usual, my thoughts
began to wander. I had to will
myself to see what I was seeing
and nothing else. I had to tell myself this is what
mattered, not the other. (And I did see it,
for a minute or two!) For a minute or two
it crowded out the usual musings on
what was right, and what was wrong — duty,
tender memories, thoughts of death, how I should treat
with my former wife. All the things
I hoped would go away this morning.
The stuff I live with every day. What
I’ve trampled on in order to stay alive.
But for a minute or two I did forget
myself and everything else. I know I did.
For when I turned back i didn’t know
where I was. Until some birds rose up
from the gnarled trees. And flew
in the direction I needed to be going.
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Thank you again.
Warmest love, warmest wishes, as always.
Sam
Links:
PS: If you have any time, please contact me with any thoughts/feelings around this project and how you've experienced it. Obviously the world is becoming a little busier now so no pressure.
